missmidnightsin

I'm not crazy... or am I?

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 20:56:12 GMT

i have no idea what is going on with me lately. i am stressed out about things that i shouldnt be stressed about. i tried going back to school last week and i went for two days and i couldnt go down the halls without hearing something. i dont want to live spend the next couple months like that. i finally said something back to someone but i fear that the next time i will snap and probably leave them in the hospital. i dont want to resort to that. that isnt the person i am. im not even at school anymore and people still cant leave me out of their conversations. why are people so obsessed with making my life miserable. do they really have nothing better to do? all i have been doing is trying to make ammends with those i had problems with but these obsessed people insist on fucking that up ONCE again. one minute i am happy and then the next im depressed. why is that? all i have been doing is sleeping which is not like me. i am not motivated to do anything. today i thought i had a shrink appt and i didnt even want to go. i seriously wish i knew what was really going on. lately i have been having dreams of my ex .. not just random dreams but every happy memory we shared together, totally out of the blue. considering i dont want to be back with him. sometimes i feel that my moms disorder is finally catching up to me. they say it is genetic and lately i have been feeding into it. i feel i will be the next victim of borderline personality disorder. i swear im not crazy.. but maybe i am, i have no idea. i give up on trying to figure it out.

My So-Called Life

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 01:32:54 GMT

Here is the place I write down my thoughts. I spill out my heart and hope for people's sympathy. Rip out my soul and paste it on this page. I need to scream everything out but whenever I try it's as if I have no vocal cords. So I'm going to give everything I got to put it all out there here.

I don't think 'happy' will ever be a word I will truely understand. I say 'I'm happy' as if I'm talking about a daily habit. But am I really happy? Or is that a realistic delusion that I long for. Yes I contridicted myself but I do that a lot.

High School. The most horrifying word in most teenagers minds. To me it's not horrifying just sickening. The shitty building, the graffitied hallways, the classrooms filled with roaches and maggots, the administrators like to call students. Most are brainless and just like roaches could probably run around with no head. Spreading lies, rumors, and stories or just spread their legs like mindless zombies who follow the crowd.

I don't think 'love' will ever be a word I will truely understand. I say 'I'm in love' as if I'm talking about a daily habit. But am I really in love? Or is that a realistic delusion that I long for. Yes I contridicted myself but I do that a lot.

Family Life. The most horrifying word in my mind. I love them to death. All of the dysfunctions, heartbreaks, and bonding moments. The hate also run through my head as if its on a non-stop track. I don't have the white picket fence family, or the beautiful house family. Just the poor, welfare, white trash family that I love and adore!